I'm not a p***y, I just whine a lot. 

(I know SRG hates that word, so I threw in some asterisks to soften it up.)

I'm sure we're all familiar with Whiny Guy Syndrome (WGS [acronyms are grand]).  Lord knows I've been affected by this affliction several times in my life.  Think of it like carpal tunnel syndrome, except instead of getting it from typing too much and sometimes improperly, you get it from dealing with females too much and most of the time, improperly.  However, WGS, unlike carpal tunnel, may cause those close to you to avoid you like the cakey-makeup lotion lady at the mall (no I don't want your odd creams, fresh from your 'kiosk,' rubbed on my shit, I must maintain the masculinity that the ladies enjoy).

WGS fellas are the type that you don't like to ask how they're doing.... because they actually tell you.  Instead of the short and sweet, 'not bad, you' or 'good.'  You get the rundown,  "well I was good until I....... heard that song, saw that picture, smelt that perfume, saw that girl's ass that looked a lot like [insert name (and it's always an annoying like more than 3 syllable name too; one that if you hear again you'll punch a midget)].

Driving in a car with a WGS dude is trouble.  Forget about some chill or fun music, you're listening to emo.  And it's not enough that you're listening to sad bastard music, you must also hear how every song applies to the WGS victim's situation.  And they always sing along, badly, like a cat getting hit by a lawn mower; with a sad, desperate face that is yearning for catharsis, but really doesn't want it, cause he likes the whining deep down (run-on sentence, what?).

Then come "the talks," never let someone suffering from WGS get you alone, that's when they strike.  Every conversation is a version of the opening scene from "Swingers."  And they always want you to throw out the hope life preserver.... "Yeah but like the other day she was online and she had this quote in her profile that I really think was directed at me."  Looking for help from the outside, you give the "yeah maybe man, I dunno" while signaling to anyone, a four hundred pound woman with a moustache, to save you from the hell that is the WGS talk.

At the heart of WGS is the failure to recognize this simple truth "Sometimes, girls just don't like you."  That's it, the cause of all of your problems.  It doesn't mean you’re a bad guy, sometimes things just don't work out.  But NO!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!  Because “not just 2 months ago when I took her out she was all over me and she wanted to go out all these times and blah blah blah.”

Since I've been through and survived WGS (one summer I bought every single dashboard cd) I can say that the only true cure is time.  And by time I mean going out, getting sloppy, lowering the standards (maybe), and go "golfing in Massachusetts."

-SRO