I am a sociable man, I'd like to think.  I enjoy the "conversation" and the "bars" with the "people"(girls) and their "alcoholic beverages."

However, one place where I don't enjoy the chats is in the bathroom, or lavatory, or washroom, or water closet, or piss parlor.  Unfortunately, it seems as though I am of a minority in this respect.  At work, especially, fellow pissers have no problem making day to day chit chat while we both stand John Thomases in hand, separated only by our respective walls of porcelain.  Now I don't mean to sound prissy or homophobic, but when my junk is hanging out of the cockpit as is another males two feet away from me, I like to concentrate on the task at hand and leave the odorific piss parlor as quickly as possible. 

Certain things go well with conversation; the expulsion of waste from one's body is not one of them.  I wonder, is it the awkward silence that inspires this useless chatter?  Silence is better than weather chat or bad "work sucks humor".  Luckily my experience with "bathroom-themed humor" has been minimal (ire.  "So I hear this is where all the dicks hang out.")  However, I did have one freak yell out "Fire proton torpedoes!" from a stall at the movie theater once.  It wasn't so much his horribly nerdy Star Trek reference, or the overall oddness of the situation that disturbed me the most; but the desperate tone of his voice. I knew this kid had come up with this "jem" one day in his parents basement and was just waiting for the perfect time to unleash it on the unwitting public restroom crowd.

Don't even get me started on stall talkers.  I like to think of the stall as a fortress of solitude; built for one man (how girls go in there 4 at a time is beyond me).  When I walk into a bathroom don't do the door peak, or the even odder "Who is that?"  You stay in there and be quiet, and do what you gotta do to leave the crap kennel, read a magazine for God's sake.  Lord knows the issues Business Week from June of 2000 have kept me company for my stints in there.

Bathrooms in general are way too open.  I like walls on the urinals.  The "open mouth" urinals are bad news; I'm not looking for a pee party.  I want to get in, and get out.  Coming into social or visual contact with other men who are taking care of their situation is a high probability when there are no walls to set some boundaries.

The only time when bathroom chat is acceptable is during a night of heavy drinking when some dude asks my opinion on whether or not he should piss in the trash can.  To which, my answer has and will always be a resounding yes.

-SRO